Boldness
Today I woke up resolved to have a conversation that I would rather avoid. Actually, avoidance was what got me into this position. I have a working relationship that I really value but that tends to spike my anxiety. Most people have been there—whether it’s a client, a supervising attorney, a manager, a close peer who works feet from you, a colleague in your field—who you respect but don’t quite know how to communicate with. Miscommunications or misunderstandings make me want to avoid attending to the relationship, which of course exacerbates miscommunications or misunderstandings.
My first impulse when I’m in this situation is to just quit or end the working relationship in order to escape the awkwardness or dread that I’m experiencing. But while that’s a great strategy if you’re dealing with a bully, it isn’t how I want to conduct my professional relationships with reasonable people.
I was nervous for the conversation, so I wore bold carnelian orange to help me be bold. Ugh. I don’t want to be courageous. I prefer not to. But so often it is the only way out of a situation that feels untenable.
If you must have tough conversations, do it in bold colors.
And indeed—because this individual is a reasonable person, and a caring one as well—the conversation was helpful. Differences in communication styles will inevitably arise among people of goodwill. Navigating those differences is uncomfortable. There’s no way around it. But my colleague earned my trust today by responding skillfully to my concerns, and I hope that I earned trust, too, by being bold and vulnerable.
Those who, like me, have done Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or if you are a fan of Brenee Brown, you may have heard the acronym “Braving”:
BOUNDARIES
RELIABILITY
ACCOUNTABILITY
VULNERABILITY (Or: “Vaulting,” for keeping information confidential)
INTEGRITY
NON-JUDGMENT
GENEROSITY
The idea is that behaving in these ways is what creates trust between people. I think that’s true, but I also like that the acronym is “Braving” because it does require bravery to build trust. It requires bravery to tell someone that something doesn’t feel right. It requires bravery to listen non-judgmentally and non-defensively. It’s practically miserable. And the hard thing is that this sort of thing is typically not solved by a single conversation. Often you have to be bold again and again.
My relief after today’s conversation is palpable. And I am proud of myself for having my own back. I trust my colleague more. But it’s also tiring to be bold, and a little ease in life is a precious thing. Assessing whether it’s worth it to be bold is a highly individualized determination. However, if you decide to go for it, consider wearing orange. I think it helps.
